As a soon to be father I have been thinking a lot about how
to be a good dad. Having wasted much of my life reading books I can only hope
that much of that time can be redeemed by the useful parenting styles I have
picked up from books.
The Dickensian method- Abandon the child in her infancy. If she
can’t get herself a job in a soot filled factory by the time she is 5 years
old, she wasn’t worth your time to begin with.
The Virginia Wolf “Lighthouse” method- Subjugate the child’s
will through passive agressive emotional manipulation in an effort to assert
your dominance and assuage your fears and inadequacies.
The Mark Twain “Invisible Hand” method- A laissez-faire
approach to parenting which believes that a child left to roam free like a
feral cat, crossing state lines like a vagabond is a happy, well rounded child.
(This was the parenting technique used by my own parents)
Dostoevsky’s “Karamazovian Solution”- This is a break off from
the Oedipal School of parenting that I don’t like to think about too much.
Never turns out too well for the father.
The angry and vengeful father of the Old Testament- Mood swings
of genocidal proportions. Devising unfathomably difficult tasks of “prove you
love me”. Gambling with the devil, putting your child’s welfare on the line. The anxiety inducing omnipotence. To say
nothing of the glorious retribution rained down like hell fire from above. This
method would be the most fun for me the father, but unfortunately it results in
whiny, ungrateful children. Admit it, when viewed without revelation the God of
the Old Testament is kind of a punk, and being a punk is always fun.
I am going to be a great dad.
3 comments:
I agree you are going to be a great dad mostly because you aren't going to be like any of the above mentioned systems.
Ha! You make me laugh.
Good thing Katie's having a girl...you won't have to use the Oedipus method.
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